Thirteen Keys To Amazing Sex With Your Spouse

Do you want amazing sex with your spouse?  Turns out there is some pretty strong research done by Normal Bar Study and John Gottman that has found unique behaviors in marriages that are consistent across cultures and countries, as well as socio-economic and religious backgrounds.

What their research showed is simple —there is a clear set of habits that couples who have great sex are routinely doing.  In addition, couples who struggle with sex, statistics show, are notdoing these very same things.

Having a great sex life is not rocket science. It is not difficult. Here are thirteen keys to amazing sex with your spouse.

1.  Tell your spouse, “I love you,” every day and mean it.  

No quid pro quo, no manipulation, no, I’ll do it if you do it.  We each have a choice to bless our marriages with healthy behaviors or not. Focus on the qualities of your mate you love and make the decision to speak your love authentically and regularly. 

2.  Kiss your husband/wife passionately for no reason.

Give a passionate kiss and many people feel they are being prepped for sex.  Try giving a kiss for no ulterior motive and watch the intimacy build in your relationship. It feels safe, free, with no strings attached.  There is nothing more intimate than that.

3.  Give surprise romantic gifts.

Gifts don’t have to be elaborate or expensive, but giving a gift lets your spouse know you are thinking about them and are focused on nurturing the intimacy in your relationship.  

4.  Know what turns your partner on or off sexually.

Our sex life mirrors our emotional life with our spouse. Healthy spouses are always curious about each other, wanting to learn more, understand more, so they can respect their wants and needs, and keep reaching towards the other thereby cultivating greater acceptance, safety, and closeness.

5. Be affectionate with your spouse, even in public.

Our children need to see us being affectionate.  They need to see us holding hands, or reaching to put a hand around each other’s waist.  Safe. Connected. Welcoming the other into our personal space.  Touch is a vital part of intimacy.  Nurture it outside the bedroom and watch what happens inside the bedroom.

6.  Keep playing together.

Why do couples stop playing together once they get married? In my practice, I hear so many couples talk about how much fun they had together while they were dating only to have that disappear after the wedding.  Find a leisure activity to enjoy together (without the kids).  Play board games together.  Laugh together.  Our relationships need time away from the responsibilities of life just to relax, unwind, and connect emotionally.

7.  Cuddle. Yes, cuddle.

Cuddling is an essential ingredient to great sex. Cuddling moves beyond the casual gestures of affection and allows us to hold each other tight, increasing our safety and secure attachment with our mate. It creates a world where there are just two people, where nothing outside can get it.  It allows both to feel the other is there for them in a healthy way.

8.  Make sex a priority, not the last item on your to-do list.

I know —this kids, work, soccer practice —no way, right? We’re exhausted by the end of the day and the last thing on our minds is sex.  Perhaps some of our priorities need to be re-evaluated.  Perhaps we have overextended our schedules and responsibilities, and something needs to go.  Sometimes our schedules are simply the easiest excuse to keep us from having to make room for our spouse, ourselves, our bodies, and our souls, to keep us from becoming that vulnerable.  

Our relationship needs us to make room for sex.  God created sex and He said it was good. Stop running.  Stop excusing.  Make it a priority and your relationship will be blessed.

9.  Nurture your friendship.

I don’t know about you, but I fell in love with my best friend. I need his friendship.  I need that safe place to share my heart and soul —to dream dreams, to mourn losses.  Friendship builds a secure, strong foundation that can withstand the storms life will bring, but friendship also fuels warmth, fondness, passion, and desire — all of which are needed for a great sex life.  

Relationships that are built on passion alone prove to be roaring fires that extinguish themselves quickly.  Nurturing the friendship ignites a slow, simmering, flame that continues to smolder and grow over time.

For every husband and wife longing to improve the intimacy, connection, and yes, sex with their spouse, here are thirteen keys to amazing sex.

10.  Talk openly, honestly, and comfortably about your sex life.

Being able to talk openly about sex is almost as good as sex —yeah, almost.  How freeing to be able to feel safe enough to share with each other openly, honestly, respectfully about what’s working well or what’s not working well in our sex life so we can move closer together and enjoy each other more fully.

11.  Have weekly dates.

Dates are becoming a lost art today.  Date night doesn’t have to be elaborate, it doesn’t have to be expensive, and it certainly doesn’t have to include dinner and a movie.  

My husband and I used to get away for breakfast or a coffee date routinely; sometimes we would meet at the gym or go to the park to take a walk.  A date is simply time we’ve set aside apart from the kids, work, phones, doctors’ appointments —everything— to continue to grow the relationship.  

12.  Take romantic vacations.

Many couples I meet with report they have never spent the night away from the kids.  Yet our relationship needs time away, time to focus on each other, time to enjoy each other. In the stresses of life, we sometimes lose the connection with our partner, we forget why we fell in love in the first place.  We need time away to reconnect, strengthen our bonds, and keep falling in love over and over again.

13. Always be intentional about turning toward your spouse.

Every day we find ourselves in situations where we have the opportunity to turn away from, or turn towards our spouses.  In moments of stress, we choose our children over our husband, we choose our work over our wives.  

Turning away from our spouse destroys the respect, the safety, the trust, leaving us feeling lonely and disconnected.  Keep turning towards, keep leaning in.  Your relationship will grow stronger because nothing will interfere with your relationship, and your sex life will become more rich, more satisfying than you could ever imagine.

What habits do you and your spouse currently practice?  What areas need some attention? How can you begin to look within yourself to determine how you can begin to invest in your relationship and your sex life?

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Don’t we all want a little peace?  My heart for this community is to provide just that – a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships.  Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!  

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  1. Good words, Lisa, and we need to keep turning toward our beloveds!

  2. I love how I “stumble” upon things throughout my day! (Thank you, Jesus!) My husband and I are teaching a 5 week Sunday School Marriage class…this week’s topic – Intimacy. I’ll be sharing this!

  3. Those 13 tips require time–a commodity very hard to find today but so important to building a great relationship. Thanks and God bless!

  4. Beautiful tips! It is so tempting to turn away from your spouse when you’re feeling frustrated. I’ve been married almost two years, and that’s something I’ve had to grow in – being willing to be vulnerable in conversations and turn toward him instead of hiding away!

    • Emily, It is so tempting to turn away from our spouse. It is human nature. But turning away will never growth safety, trust, or connection we are all longing for!

  5. Great tips, Lisa! I’m sharing to my FB page!

  6. Great and beautiful tips! Pinned.

  7. A great post for all couples for sure. My wife and I did a fun short podcast and mentioned a few tips for couples and one of them was the relationship that we have while our children are in the home is the same one we will have when they move out, so time with our Spouses is so important. Thanks for all the great tips!! God Bless

  8. Gutsy topic to post on!! Thanks for putting it out there as more Christians need to be open about this topic to keep the enemy from perverting it. Sex is a gift from God and the more we see it as an act of worship when done in the confines of a godly marriage, the better it will be!

    • Amen, Paul! I talk about it every day in my practice, but so few Christians feel safe to discuss it. You are right – sex is a beautiful gift from God and the more we talk about it respectfully, the less power satan has to destroy God’s gift. Blessings!

  9. Great article! A happier marriage needs work in all areas. This one shouldn’t be overlooked.

  10. There will be a lot of happy husbands if their wives are reading this. 🙂 Thanks for reminding us that we need to not get lazy with our sex lives. Sometimes it’s easy to let things slide when we get busy, but this is an area we need to prioritize as long as we’re able.

  11. Great reminders for all of us, thanks for sharing.

  12. Great points! I, too, will be sharing these with women I mentor. Thanks!

  13. Excellent post! We all need reminders to keep the embers of our intimacy and love alive and burning. Right now I am thinking of your last item – Turn toward your spouse. So simple, but so true!

  14. Yes! 100% absolutely yes on every one of these. Thanks, Lisa!

  15. Great wisdom-filled tips. xoxo

  16. It’s strange how intentional we must be in marriage, and yet, it’s all a part of choosing and committing to love well. (Pre-marriage, I think many of us believe this kind of thing will just happen naturally.) A healthy sex life in marriage doesn’t just happen in the bedroom – our entire day/week/month affects it! It takes time. Excellent tips here, Lisa!

  17. #8 – UGH! I know it’s true – has been hard in this season of life . Thank you for this post and the reminder that we need to invest in our marriages! So often I’ll work hard on everything else and neglect this area. Especially #8. 🙂 Thank you for the great tips!

  18. Love can be shown in many ways. Let’s show the love of God to our loved ones each day. 🙂

  19. What a doable list and such common sense. The romantic gifts is a good one, but I would say have eyes to notice the gifts your mate offers. Because his romantic gifts may be much different than what I would cincider, but when I understand his gift style, I then can see them for what they are.

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